


words can only help you if you speak them

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Fake AH Crew, Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 19:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4149795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"You’re fucking useless. Thought you’d like the reminder."</em>
</p><hr/><p>Surprisingly, Michael takes on Jack's advice and writes a collection of letters to his dead boi. Of course, Michael doesn't know how to do sentimental and instead opts for being a dick for the most part. He eventually surprises himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	words can only help you if you speak them

**1**.

Jack says that this will help. Writing. He did it when Joel died, and look at him now! An absolute poster child for well-adjusted and completely sane criminals.

I almost told him to take his non-existent PhD in Psychology and shove it so far up his ass that he could taste its’ bullshit on the back of his tongue. I didn’t. But, well. It would’ve been funny.

You would’ve laughed.

Miss you, boi.

 **2**.

You’re fucking useless.

Thought you’d like the reminder.

 **3**.

Ryan says that Ray’s been writing to you, too. I haven’t seen little Narvaez in a while. Guess it makes sense. You really did a number on him, you know? Before you, he’d never been kissed, let alone in a relationship. You changed his life.

I miss him. He misses you.

I hope you miss us.

But anyway, my writing doesn’t compare to Ray’s. Neither of us will be sending these letters but I’m sure you’ll see them, if you ever drag your ass out of hell to pay us a visit.

I was thinking, the other day.

( _Oh, don’t hurt yourself, Micool!_ that’s what you’d say, isn’t it?)

If it weren’t for Ray being the best sniper in this godforsaken country, I reckon he’d be back in Liberty City. Probably in some shitty hipster café, writing an obscure collection of poetry. I kind of wish he had stayed there. Wish he never met you.

He never really wanted to stay here. I mean, he’d do the job and come and go as he pleased. It was because of you, you selfish fucking prick, that he stayed. And now you’re gone and he doesn’t have a place here without you.

I’m glad you guys met, though. You were both so happy.

They say that happiness is fleeting, but I think that, for you two, you deserved just a little longer.

 **4**.

Geoff told me today that you didn’t have a single ounce of self-preservation, nor have you ever. I think he’s trying to make me feel better. I don’t know if it’s working.

He’s right, though. Jack, Ryan and I talked about it. All the times you threw yourself into harm’s way to stop any of us from getting hurt. I wonder if you ever thought about what would happen if it all went wrong. If you saw this coming.

You once said you’d take a bullet for me. I laughed at you. Said _you’re fucking useless,_ and thought that was the end of it. You could’ve taken a fucking bullet for me and I still would’ve called you an idiot. Wouldn’t have believed you.

Sorry, boi.

 **5**.

You’re a selfish prick. You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met. You are the biggest piece of shit. You’re fucking dead.

Does that count as an insult?

I’m not sure. You were never afraid of death. You laughed it in the face, even. I remember, once, the two of us had been taken by some rival crew after a heist. They’d been lucky, remember? You had a concussion and I could barely breathe around cracked ribs. We were too close to a grenade.

A running theme, I guess.

They beat you within an inch of your life and you still grinned up at them and refused to sell out Ashley and Meg. I was so close, I was so close to breaking, but you were strong when I couldn’t be. When they told you that _this was your last chance_ , you laughed and cheered, asked them to get on with it, you were a bit bored with the whole thing, thanks.

You’re dead now. I wonder if you took it quietly. I wasn’t awake for it.

Are you at peace, now?

 **6**.

You once told me that you were going to leave the crew one day, with Ray.

I could come, if I wanted. The Lads on the road, nomads of their own right, looking for a place to call home but more interested in learning the others from the inside out. We would become each other’s homes out on the open plains.

You made it sound like a possibility, like I could become a part of whatever it was you and Ray had. None of us ever understood the two of you. I guess that’s why I said no. I wanted to come, of course I did -- you were my best friend and Ray is my longest. Once, I thought that I’d fall in love with Ray and grow old and adopt a million dogs and live happily ever after somewhere between Liberty City and Jersey. You came along and changed that. Sometimes I think it was for the better. Sometimes, like now, I think for the worst.

I wanted you. I wanted to become a part of you and Ray. The three lads, together now and forever.

But you were the sun and he was the moon, and he died every night to let you breathe.

I suppose, now, we’re in an age of darkness. How long until the sun rises again? Too long, I think. Too long.

 **7**.

We buried you today. We waited as long as we could, for Ray to answer our calls and come along. He never did. We couldn’t wait any longer.

Your epigraph says _a good man_ , but you were not a good man. You were never a good man. You were a bad man with the smile of an angel, the excitement of a child. You were a paradox, and even in death, I find you still are.

We poured one out for you. It didn’t feel like closure.

I wanted to scream at the skies, wanted to ask _can you feel us?_ _can you feel this?_ I did not.

It was a beautiful ceremony. Geoff talked for hours, maybe. Told us stupid stories about you and all the stupid shit the two of you did back in Texas, with Burnie and Gus and Joel and the rest, before Joel got got and Gus retired and Burnie started Cockbite. It sounded nice. I would’ve liked to have known you back then, I think. You seemed less annoying.

It was simple, in a way you weren’t. Jack cried. Like a fucking baby. He talked about all the rude shit you two had to say at each other and he said _he was a prick, but I loved that fucking prick_. Seems rather fitting to your relationship with all of this, huh? Ryan didn’t say much, just watched your tombstone and drank and _drank_. I haven’t seen him drink that much whiskey since that night after he and Geoff fought over whether Ryan should stay in the crew or not. You remember that night? How he came and sat with us? That was a nice night. Geoff… none of us wanted to interrupt him.

I think we knew it was the last time we’d hear him talking about you, like this. Like you were still alive. It was like you were just on vacation.

After all, if we don’t say goodbye, you aren’t gone. You just aren’t here right now.

(It was Joel that said that, right? You and Geoff always liked to bring it up, every so often. When we talked about Kerry or Mica or the rest. _They’re not gone. We didn’t say goodbye_.)

We buried you under the tree where you and Ray first kissed. We thought Ray’d like it. Hopefully he makes it out soon.

Maybe you’ll come and see it, some time. Whine about the fucking epigraph. _I deserve more than that, guys! I’m Gavvy Davey Free and you should all be sucking my dick!_

You’re fucking dumb. That was the only epigraph that fit.

You weren’t a good person. None of us are. But… you know. You were a good man, to us. You were a hero.

I would’ve died five times over if it weren’t for you, boi.

 **8**.

Ray came to see you today.

He didn’t talk to any of us apart from Jack, just came to see you and sat out there a while. Jack sat with him. He didn’t cry. I’ve never seen Ray cry, actually. Did you see him cry?

They sat out there for a few hours, I think. Jack talked a lot. Stupid, dumb things – mostly from way back when the two of you first met. I take back what I said before: you sounded like a prick, even back then. I think Geoff was just looking at past-you with rose-tinted glasses.

Ray left just as Geoff started making dinner. We were going to ask him to stay, I think he knows that. We’re worried about him, you know? We promised you that if anything ever happened, we’d look after him – but he doesn’t want it.

He wants _you_ , boi.

I don’t think he was expecting it. For you to have that type of impact on him, I mean. He wanted to hate you so much when the two of you first met. You were a right little prick to him on that first day, remember? Called him X-Ray and pretty much refused to call him Ray, even when he asked. Got drunk off of your ass even though I’d told you he hated drunks. Did he ever tell you why?

But, of course, you did what you do best: you found your way under his skin and refused to leave. Like a bed bug, or fleas. I wonder if he regrets any of it.

We’ll find a way to look after him, boi. I promise. It’s the least I can do, right?

 **9**.

Why’d you do it?

I didn’t have to live, you know. Ryan and Lindsay, they would’ve been okay without me. They would’ve missed me, sure – cried for a while. But they’d move on, because they’d have each other. I’d be buried under the ivy at our old _old_ safe house.

I guess my reasoning is as cheesy as yours.

It was the place me and Lindsay told Ryan that we wanted to be with him. It wasn’t as simple as that, but you know – I hope you remember, at least. You were the one who got Ryan to come back home to us.

I could’ve died, though. It would’ve been a tragedy. You would’ve missed me and Ray would’ve held you close and told you it was going to be okay because you had each other. Geoff would’ve found another explosions expert. Ryan and Lindsay would’ve had each other.

Ray doesn’t have anyone any more.

 **10**.

I’ve never thanked you, for saving my life.

Not just for the grenade, but for all the times before – I mentioned that I’d be five times dead without you around, but to be honest, it’s probably closer to ten or even twenty times dead.

So, thank you, Gav.

Thanks for the past four years.

Thank you for being my best friend, my boi, my little Gavvy Wavvy.

Thank you for bringing Ryan back to us, for giving me a chance to be a part of whatever it is you and Ray had.

I’ll be sad, when Ray leaves. It should be all of us, the three Lads, leaving.

But he can’t stay and you’re not here anymore. I’ll stay here. I’d like to say it’s for all of us, but really, I don’t want to leave yet.

You’ve given me so many opportunities that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I’ve experienced so many things with you that I still can’t imagine experiencing with anyone else. It won’t feel right, going on without you – but you’d want us to, wouldn’t you? You’d want us to keep moving forward.

I’m not sure I want to, Gav. Not without you.

But I’ll try.

–Mogar ❤


End file.
